The subject is those nefarious automated phone answering systems in use by far too many businesses, government agencies, hospitals, universities and colleges, and even some public schools.

I am referring to those recorded faceless, inanimate voices that happily urge the caller to follow these simple directions: “If you know your party’s extension, you may dial it now.” There always are at least four or five other choices that promise to connect you with a salesperson, the billing department or the employee’s lounge simply by touching one, two, three or 44 on your touch tone phone.

Sounds simple enough — if it worked. I would like to know my party’s extension but rarely do. I just know I need to talk to Jane Doe in the shipping department. I have no idea what Jane’s extension is. So the final instruction on these automated phone answering system is: “Please hold for someone to come on the line,” or dial “O now” for an operator. Be prepared to hold for a long time if you select either of the latter two options. Chances are good that while you are holding waiting for someone to come on the line, you will be entertained by music that under no circumstances would you listen to otherwise.

More than a few of those automated answering systems begin with: “Press 1 for English. Press 2 for Spanish.” I don’t live in Mexico City, or even Madrid, Spain. Why do I need the Spanish language option. I have considered pressing 2 and trying to follow those instructions just to mess with them. Having the Spanish language option in a country whose inhabitants, as a rule, speak English appears a little superfluous.

There is a joke currently making the rounds that involves that option incorporated into automated answering systems: “Dial 1 for English. If you don’t understand English, dial 2 to disconnect until you learn it.” Unfair, I suppose, to our Spanish speaking residents, legal and illegal, but I thought it was funny. But then people have told me I have a sick sense of humor.

I take a pill every morning that is suppose to keep my blood pressure down. I feel fortunate that I took it one morning last week when I called a local clinic about a bill for lab work. Before I get too far into this, I want to emphasize that I have been going to this clinic for years, know most of the people who work there and consider them competent, courteous and efficient. A doctor at this clinic prescribed the blood pressure medicine and it is working. Previously considered “borderline high,” my blood pressure now is well within acceptable limits according to the medical profession.

But the clinic, which is in the running for worst automated answering system, farms out its blood work to a lab in another state. I had just received a bill for the full amount of the lab work because the most current insurance information apparently had not been forwarded to the number crunchers at the lab by the clinic here. There are two numbers listed for the clinic, but I received the same response, continuously for some time, regardless which number I dialed.

“If you know your party’s extension you may dial it at anytime. To make an appointment, dial 1. For a question about your bill, dial 2. To renew a prescription, dial 4. To speak to a nurse, dial 5. For all others, dial O at anytime.” I dialed 2 and was told to hold. Then a voice said this extension is not available.” I dialed “O.” Nothing. I wondered what happened to the number 3. There always seem to be several live people in this clinic, why can’t one of them answer the phone?

After more than two futile hours of playing the game, I drove into town and hand delivered the paperwork to the front desk. I’m deducting the price of a gallon of gas from the next bill I receive from this clinic.